Patrice Hamilton


The plot trajectory is clear and focused, there are no wandering or irrelevant subplots, and there is a good balance of rising and falling action. For standard fare, the formula is executed quite well. To make the script stand out more and smarten it up a bit, it could really use some reversals and twists and turns to instill conflict, raise the stakes, makes things harder for the characters, and keep the audience on the edge of their seats (ala Fatal Attraction).

For instance, Cami really doesnít have any obstacles to the seduction other than pissing April and Bryan off. Where is the inner conflict? Does she actually start to have feelings for Garret? Or feel sorry for him? Or begin to understand that this could have devastating affects on his family and it might be better for them if she left well-enough alone? What about her sexual self-worth? Or the kind of person this obsession is driving her to become? MAKE THINGS HARDER FOR THE CHARACTERS!!!

As far as reversals, absolutely nothing surprising really happens. What if April wasnít telling the whole truth? Or Jackie turns out to be a whacko and beats them to the punch? Or Garret finds out about the ruse and turns the tables on Cami? Or April is still so in love with Garret she turns on Cami? Or in turn, uses Bryan to get back at her? There could be a lot more Dangerous Liaisons here as far as feeling like absolutely anything could happen! Right now, though the tension is good, things follow a fairly predictable course. The overall plot arc can remain the same, but the script would really benefit if it didnít get there on a straight shot from A to B.

Make sure all setups follow through. Betsy and Paul completely disappear and function merely as bookends when they might add nice layers if they are integrated throughout. Betsy approves of Camiís course of action (what a wonderfully odd family!) but at what point would she disapprove? Would Cami go to her for advice if things start to go wrong? And what does Paul know of all of this? Are Paul and Betsy related or only by marriage? Has he done right by April or is she even now sort of the forgotten child?

Also, there was so much setup about not knowing each otherís names and then itís completely not mentioned when the other EMTís shout out ďCami!Ē at the biker bar. Is this the first time Garret finds out?

Copyright 2010 Patrice Hamilton
All Rights Reserved