The plot trajectory is clear and focused, there are no wandering or
irrelevant subplots, and there is a good balance of rising and falling
action. For standard fare, the formula is executed quite well. To make the
script stand out more and smarten it up a bit, it could really use some
reversals and twists and turns to instill conflict, raise the stakes,
makes things harder for the characters, and keep the audience on the edge
of their seats (ala Fatal Attraction).
For instance, Cami really doesnít have any obstacles to the seduction
other than pissing April and Bryan off. Where is the inner conflict? Does
she actually start to have feelings for Garret? Or feel sorry for him? Or
begin to understand that this could have devastating affects on his family
and it might be better for them if she left well-enough alone? What about
her sexual self-worth? Or the kind of person this obsession is driving her
to become? MAKE THINGS HARDER FOR THE CHARACTERS!!!
As far as reversals, absolutely nothing surprising really happens. What if
April wasnít telling the whole truth? Or Jackie turns out to be a whacko
and beats them to the punch? Or Garret finds out about the ruse and turns
the tables on Cami? Or April is still so in love with Garret she turns on
Cami? Or in turn, uses Bryan to get back at her? There could be a lot more
Dangerous Liaisons here as far as feeling like absolutely anything could
happen! Right now, though the tension is good, things follow a fairly
predictable course. The overall plot arc can remain the same, but the
script would really benefit if it didnít get there on a straight shot from
A to B.
Make sure all setups follow through. Betsy and Paul completely disappear
and function merely as bookends when they might add nice layers if they
are integrated throughout. Betsy approves of Camiís course of action (what
a wonderfully odd family!) but at what point would she disapprove? Would
Cami go to her for advice if things start to go wrong? And what does Paul
know of all of this? Are Paul and Betsy related or only by marriage? Has
he done right by April or is she even now sort of the forgotten child?
Also, there was so much setup about not knowing each otherís names and
then itís completely not mentioned when the other EMTís shout out ďCami!Ē
at the biker bar. Is this the first time Garret finds out?
2010 Patrice Hamilton
All Rights Reserved